If I’m being honest, last week was a write-off for me. I had lots of plans to get stuff done, but as I was writing a blog post and texting my sister, I saw my Mom calling me. I answered to hear her and my Dad on the other end.
I asked them how they were doing and my Mom responded, “Well, not that good, Heather.” My parents have a certain tone with me when something is wrong… and I knew that their voices on the other end were an indication of bad news coming. They told me that my uncle had suddenly died from a heart attack. I felt instant sadness wash over me as I stood there in disbelief.
The week was consumed with trying to figure out who was going to the funeral in Toronto, figuring out the best way to support our family and trying to process the sudden loss. I had so many different thoughts about my family in Toronto and this world without my uncle in it.
I had a crisis of faith last week. All of the sudden, everything felt meaningless to me. All of my business aspirations, my infertility, the seeming troubles in my day to day life seemed so insignificant. I sat there and realized that people around me will keep dying and that I am going to die. It seems so silly, really, because of course this is the case! Yet, I live my everyday life as if I am immortal. The reality is that this world will go black to me one day and I will be a memory to people. My body will be lifeless and my spirit will be gone.
I know there is hope and confidence in Christ. I sing about wanting to be in heaven, but when I really think about the end for me and those that I love- I fret. I doubt.. I worry about leaving my family and about my family leaving me- about Benton, my future kids… my friends…
Yet, I know that even in my doubt I am still welcomed at the table.
“For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 14:15-16
In light of everything, I bought Randy Alcorn’s book on heaven. I haven’t received it yet, but I am looking forward to digging into it and learning about this new place I’ll be headed to as a born again believer. One day I will enter into a whole different world where I have only read about and day by day it is getting less scary for me.
My Mom said something that resonated with me- “If Uncle Howard could come back, he wouldn’t”, he is experiencing things much too wonderful for me to comprehend. I feel restored this week to make the best of this life, even though it’s fleeting. It has taught me to live ready and with hope.