In combination with seeing my naturopath, we decided it would be best if I saw a fertility specialist again to get further testing and see what our options are for medical fertility treatment. The fertility specialist won’t see me again without Benton’s fertility test.
We’ve been putting off Benton’s fertility test for a while. Mostly because I was hoping that we would just get pregnant and then we wouldn’t have to test him at all. In a lot of ways infertility feels like my problem and I hate putting Benton through the medical, sterile, awkwardness of the whole thing.
I had a rough time for a week leading up to Benton’s test. As the day drew near I could feel the unspoken anticipation of it. In my good-intentioned coping mechanism, I would crack some unhelpful jokes to Benton to try to lighten the mood of the impending test. I probably made things worse and then decided to try the other tactic of just shutting my mouth.
I think it made me nervous because it makes it real. There’s a vulnerability with these tests that someone could say to your spouse, “Oh… your body is really broken” and you hope that your spouse won’t feel like you will love them any less if that was the case.
I can see why couples struggle through infertility. It’s intense, stressful, medical and it’s just straight up – unnatural. There’s nothing romantic about a biohazard bag. You can love someone so much and not be able to have a baby and it just doesn’t make sense.
This process has made me incredibly thankful for the man that I married. Through it all he has been supportive, participatory and laid back. I haven’t felt pressure from him or any disappointment. With my intense personality, it has put me at ease and keeps me balanced.
Instead of having infertility break us apart, we have been really intentional about spending quality time together and remaining cohesive. When we have stressful medical testing, then we both decide to do something fun together or do a nice gesture for the other person to lighten the mood. Whether that’s baking a pie, going on a little mini-trip or having a nice dinner together. We stay positive and hopeful that our time will be soon.
We have been enjoying this time together without kids, because one day – either biologically or not- we will have little people distracting us:)